Okay, so this is a little embarassing. We recently made a very public announcement that we were writing Stuart Loeser, Mayor Bloomberg's press secretary, into SMOKING BLOOMBERG. Which we did. Really. There was a lovely little scene where Kim tried to get past Stu to get into City Hall, and Stu kept reading irrelevant doublespeak off of note cards, and they went back and forth, and Kim finally grabbed the note cards, and Stu was completely lost without them, and he turned into a golem-like mess and sort of slithered off. Brilliant, right?
As I said, we told Mr. Loeser that we wrote him into the show, and I have no doubt that he's since been gloating all over town--I can't actually confirm this, as we move in slightly different circles--but he probably told his parents, and that cute girl he's been eyeing in the cafeteria, and I'm sure he mentioned it to some of the City Hall press corps, and he's most likely been exercising a bit so he looks good for opening night, and he's maybe lost a couple of pounds, and he had his tux brought in a little so it would fit the new, slimmer and soon-to-be dramatized Stuart Loeser.
All of this is why I'm extremely sad to report that, ahem, we... gulp... well, we had to cut the scene. I know, I know, we feel absolutely terrible about it, but it just wasn't working. Why not, you're asking? Perhaps, you might think, the scene disrupted the flow of the story and felt like padding or some obscure inside joke for the writers. That would be a reasonable assumption, as that kind of thing happens all the time, but I'm sorry to say, that wasn't it.
Okay, then maybe it was the actors, you propose. Maybe no one could possibly tap into the enigmatic essence, the complicated simplicity of that beacon of humanity that is Stuart Loeser. Unfortunately, wrong again. We've got top notch actors who can tap into humanity beacons like nobody's business.
So, why then? Why couldn't we make the thing work? Why do we have to go back on our word? Well, the truth is, and I know this is going to sound callous, but I blame Stu. No, no, hear me out. To our deepest dismay, it seems that Stuart Loeser is, quite unfortunately, 100% dramatically inert. It's true. But don't let that hurt your feelings, Stu. Some of history's greatest men were lions in reality, but shrivel when dramatized. Think Antony van Leeuwenhoek or Spiro Agnew. Great men, both, but you can't put them in a musical. So, you're in good company, Stu.
Now we had also said that we would comp Stuart a ticket, and even though we sold out so quickly--no, not like that--and he has made no overtures to accept our most generous invitation, we are going to keep that promise. So once again, we're very sorry about cutting you, Stu. But just let us know when you plan to attend.
Oh, and would you mind bringing Mayor Bloomberg?